We started at 4,800 feet. The temperature was perfect, in my opinion, 45/48° at the head of the trail. We registered our names and permit numbers and began our ascent. I was prepared for the snow, I had all the recommended food and water, I had the appropriate clothing for any possible weather the higher we got (cold, rain, wind) and was comfortably ready for some of the physical challenges that we'd encounter along the way. I had been training since May; it was time for Mother Helen. Only 100 people receive permits each day to make this climb and I was one of them. We were in a group of 10 and all of us were pumped and determined to tickle her crater top. [To make sure everyone is up to speed with what we were about to encounter: This is a 10 mile round-trip hike with roughly a 4,000 foot gain and 8,365 feet at the summit. Keep in mind...in 5 miles we were ascending 4,000 feet. That's no walk in the park. :)]
As we made our 2.1 mile journey through her wooded pass, it was intoxicating. [By the way, I will refer to Mt. St. Helens by using "her" quite often through this story.] It was intoxicating because it was sinking in that I was about to check off a huge goal that I made last year, I was on her, I was experiencing her, I was breathing her air and feeling the soil beneath my feet...I was here. Immediately we started weaving around her side and saw insane views that truly aren't justified through pictures. The sun was just about to come over the tree line, the air was crisp and I was in awe with every step that I took. Eventually, the trees started to thin and the snow was now in our sightline. We were leaving her tree protection and heading into our first 2,500 foot vertical climb over the boulder fields. The next mile and a half was going to get more challenging.
As we began to navigate the rocks and boulders of ash pumice, I was grinning ear-to-ear. I couldn't believe that I was here, I was doing it!...and so far, in just my hiking boots and the gear that I wore. The sun had made her appearance, the air was clear/clean and there wasn't a wisp of wind. We couldn't have had better weather. We got through about 1/5 of the boulder field and found our first stopping point to eat, take some pictures, and rest for a moment. That's where we started to see more people turning around. We talked to a few of them as they passed and they said that they couldn't get enough traction on the snow and had to turn around. As we gathered our things and got ready to continue on, I noticed right away that my hiking boots were not cutting it. I was slipping even with using my trekking poles but I came prepared to reach the top and knew it was time to pull out the yaktraxs. (Yaktraxs are chains and mini spikes that you attach to your boot by tough rubber. They slip over your shoe; kind of like galoshes.) Night and day difference, I could accomplish anything in these!! I was even able to put my poles away for a while and just walk up with the yaks. We continued on and it was starting to become a bit tougher. We had to literally start climbing over some boulders using all four limbs. Mind you, we all have 20-30lb packs on us while doing this. With the snow covering our path and obviously falling in-between these boulders, every step was carefully executed. I could begin to see the deep crevasses where other people had thought the step was stable but fell through about a foot or two. That sounds serious, but it would be a deep step up to your knee or mid-thigh. I was thankful that others had made the journey before me and I could see (for the most part) exactly where to step or not step. I occasionally planted my foot first and gave a little push to test the snow before actually making a firm step. I was still on my "high" through all of this physical work because I had trained to be here and worked really hard to get to this point. I was also soaking in this opportunity for whatever it was going to provide me. I often spoke to Helen while on the mountain and thanked her for keeping us all safe and unscathed thus far. I told her how beautiful she was and thanked her for the opportunity to climb on her. :) [I mean, let's be honest, she is still an active volcano and you don't want to piss her off...].
In all of the trail reports I read, people would often write about the boulder field section, saying that it would never end and complaining of how intense it was. I felt that, sure, but I was still grinning and in awe and, at times, giving a "woohoo" that we had just climbed 500 feet, 1,000 feet...2,000... It was incredible and this was the only thing on my agenda for the day so why not soak it in and celebrate every moment. (Is that a run-on sentence? I don't care.) We made it to a point where we had about 2,000 feet to go. I was feeling great, we snapped a few photos; one of which is now my profile photo on Facebook, for those that saw. We had a snack and carried on. Most of us stayed together through the hike, though, naturally some of us are faster than others. I am typically a slower hiker, I take my time, I watch my step. We all met up for our breaks though and talked a bit, feeding each others energy and gleaning it, too. We had come to this point at about 6,800 feet and took a break to eat, shed some clothing as the sun was warm, and apply sunscreen. We looked up to see how far we had to go. It was a decent climb and we had already been hiking for about 4 hours. We packed up and hit the trail. I immediately knew something felt different. It was A LOT harder than it had been. I stepped to the side and allowed for faster people to pass me and then carried on and took my time. We were just about to this "shelf" that took us up and over to the weather station on the mountain and I could feel my heart was working harder and my breath became shorter. I instantly said (in the few breaths I had) "I can't do this." In come my saviors, Greg and Korby. Both of these men were part of our group, are experienced climbers, and always stayed at the back of our pack to ensure everyone was safe. Greg promptly started talking to me and coaching me through this. He helped me to breathe, take one step at a time and breathe again. The hard part was that this was a narrow part of the trail, so I couldn't really step to the side or I'd be falling off the side. I have never felt something so physically hard in my entire life. My brain was sending the message to my legs to move but it was slow to deliver; as if you're waiting for that website to load but your dang wifi is weak. I wanted to crawl, I wanted to sleep. My eyes kept closing. The ten more steps I needed to take to get to a spot to sit, were excruciating. I couldn't speak or if I did, I don't remember what I said. I just remember using all of my energy to keep my eyes open and forcing one foot in front of the other before I collapsed on the side of the trail; making it to the weather station at about 7,000 feet. I remember that Greg and Korby were talking to me but I don't remember things they were saying, I don't remember what I was saying. I just remember wanting to take a nap and saying that I couldn't go on, I couldn't do it. I also remember looking out at the view and feeling drunk, I closed my eyes. This was altitude sickness. This was it, I couldn't go on. I started to sob. I couldn't complete my goal. As I write this now, I am sobbing, I am shaking, I am sad. I was 1,200 feet and a mile and a half away from my goal and I couldn't do it.
With 99 [or so] other people on the mountain that day, it is plenty safe for me to go back down on my own. (Mom, please don't freak out, just keep reading. xo) You encounter people on the trail all the time, so it was safe and crucial for me to go back down and feel better as soon as possible. I remember Korby handing me strips of colored tracking tape to attach to every post on my way down so that they knew I got off the mountain safely. They repeated to me that it was very important for me to tie this on every marker so that they knew I was okay. I stuffed the tape under my arm and closed my eyes. A few moments later I remember feeling a little better and seeing Rob coming up to meet me. He sat and talked to me. I started to feel a little better as I began to acclimate to the elevation level. He wanted to ensure that we had our wedding photos as this was our plan: to reach the summit and have this epic wedding photo (a tradition that we've done every year; to take a photo in our wedding outfits wherever we are in life that anniversary year.) After all, we had carried our 4.5 and 5lb. outfits up with us in our packs. A quick side note...it wasn't even a thought-out plan that we were going to hike on the 22nd of September for this specific event, the 22nd was one of the only days left that had permits for purchase. It was meant to be.
As I drank a little more water and started to feel better, we changed out of our hiking clothes and into our wedding outfits and immediately drew a crowd of paparazzi taking our photo. :-P We told people of our tradition and they snapped a few photos in amazement. We completed our mission. Now it was time to get back down the mountain. I started to tear up again thinking my journey was over. Two amazing people (you know who you are) decided they had experienced enough of Helen as well and turned back down with me. I encouraged Rob to move forward and make it to the top and told him that I would be okay. I was so close, yet so far away. Even though I was starting to acclimate, it would've taken me hours to reach the summit because I would've had to sit every couple of feet to re-acclimate. I knew that wasn't safe for anyone as time and health are both imperative to get back down. And as my fellow mountaineers would say, "Going up is optional, coming down is mandatory."
As we started back down, almost instantly I started to feel better, but climbing down big boulders and rocks was insanely difficult. On the way up you needed every limb, same going down. You also had to be extra careful as gravity was now another factor. It seemed to go on for days. An hour would pass and we would only be down a couple hundred feet. By the time we reached the tree line, we almost fell and started kissing the flat ground. If we knew we were going to be able to get back up, we would've done just that--haha. It was emotional in many ways. We had made it, we had hiked over 8 miles and nearly 2,500 vertical feet of elevation. We were unharmed but the journey was coming to an end.
As we drove back to our cabin in the woods, I felt many emotions. I felt defeat and failure that I didn't make it. I felt joy because I experienced most of it; something I had set out to do for over a year and trained carefully to accomplish. I felt happiness that I traversed with incredible people and probably couldn't have done it without them. When we arrived back at our abode, I was tired but sadness rushed over me. I was disappointed that I had come this far and couldn't reach my destination. I cried out of despondency and exhaustion. I needed to go through this form of grief but I felt so aware. Aware of myself because I learned something new about ME. I learned more about my body and mind; I learned so much. I was grateful that Helen taught me that, along with so many small achievements throughout my journey. I was grateful that I was alive and unharmed. Sure, my muscles were tired, but I was okay.
When we got back to Seattle, I started thinking through and planning my next attempt at the summit. We watched a documentary called Meru and it inspired me to move forward with my plans until I started doing research on altitude sickness and then, that halted my pen. All of the reports/articles I came across said that it is not safe to ever go beyond that feeling and try to persevere. Your symptoms can get worse and even lead to death no matter how long you wait it out to acclimate. So I accepted my newfound quality and started to make my list of other Washington hikes [up to 6,000 feet] that I would accomplish in my future.
The journey continues...
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Monday, April 25, 2016
I choose Humanitarianism.
I had a completely different topic scheduled for this week's blog but decided that this one may be a bit more important (or at least it seemed to be more present for me this week).
For a long time, Rob and I have volunteered at various organizations. Personally, we have always found organizations that we believe in or missions that we align with. To be honest, there are quite a few organizations and missions that we are passionate about but we try to narrow our focus to maximize our efforts. A big focus for us has been homeless hospitality and assistance. In Milwaukee, we worked with Repairers of the Breach, Riverwest Food Pantry and Guest House to name a few. When we moved to Seattle we dove right into volunteering and found a great group of people to help provide and handout food to the homeless every Sunday. Seattle's community efforts for the homeless population have grown wildly over the last 10+ years. There are people and organizations that help provide food for lunch and dinner, seven days a week--seven(!) The Seattle council has taken extraordinary measures to improve the respect for homeless and/or backpackers and ensure their well-being; even passing a measure prohibiting harassment or hate crimes. They formed a 10-year plan to end homelessness and put forth $46 million each year to help make that happen. They have created what's called "Tent City"; it is a place that provides temporary housing for homeless or hikers by using temporary structures (tents). Seattle has also generated Operation Sack Lunch, a homeless feeding program which Rob and I now volunteer with.
When talking with people about our volunteer work, I have noticed that there is quite a stereotype surrounding the homeless population and I continuously strive to prove that society shouldn't read a book by its cover. Perhaps we have read something or were told by someone that homeless people are dangerous and dirty or bad people with poor intentions. Perhaps we were told that they are just "sucking from the teet" or living off the life of hard-working people. Well, speaking first-hand from meeting and befriending quite a number of homeless people, I'll tell you that it's just not true. Sure, yes, sometimes they don't have the freshest body odor or may be dirty, but that's understandable...have you ever backpacked or hiked for a week straight without a hot shower?! Yep, you smell. You don't have the resources to ensure that you'll smell good after hoofing your 80lb backpack around every day, do you? I think that's completely understandable, no?! As for dangerous...isn't anyone technically dangerous? We've read or heard in the news plenty of times where the story starts..."He was a blue collar business man and wonderful family man with 3 kids and a wife. We never would've predicted that he would've done something like this..." Dateline anyone?! Again, reading the book by the cover.
Most often, in my experience, homeless people are the most grateful people I have ever met. They force me to step back and take record of my life. If they can live and survive with little to no resources; why am I living with so many? I've learned through training that most homeless people are not looking for money, they're looking for respect and support to get on their feet again. The biggest stereotype, in my opinion, is that they are looking for pity or sympathy and are unwilling to do anything to move themselves forward in this world [or community]. That is simply not the case and if it were, why are we not setting the example, and instead, complaining that this is who they supposedly are? While there are those few that have gotten stung by the substance abuse bug, there are a lot who are part of a terrible cyclical pattern in their relation; that they unfortunately can't escape from. For others, it's honestly just where they'd like to be (live) and they demand nothing but are grateful for anything. One young man that I met, lost his job and most of the family around him due to illness and estrange. He now has very little money and few people to rely on for support. Until he finds another job, this is his home. I can completely relate to that as I currently don't have a job and it's proving to take longer than expected to retrieve another. I am blessed that I not only have Rob to help me until I find another job, but I have an amazing support group a.k.a. my immediate family. (Shout out--I am beyond grateful every single day!!) If, however, I did not have that support group either because of illness in a family member [that couldn't help me] or death of family members, I would be in the same place.
We've all seen the people who stand on the corner at a stoplight with a sign asking for something, perhaps it's money or food and perhaps that's just what they want. Aren't we all allowed to want something? Most of the time, I feel they are the most honest and even include what your money (if they receive it) will pay for; i.e.: booze, drugs, etc. I also feel that they are probably at a different stage in their homelessness and other things are more important to them and who are we to judge? They are not forcing you to give them money or food but they are also not asking for judgement or abuse of any kind. They are people just like you and I; a person who deserves just as much respect as the next one. We don't know anyone's story until we ask or communicate. What happened to pure care of another human being? Yes, someone who is just trying to survive in this world like you and me... I used to work in an environment that was a luxury service provider. (I am sharing this next story with you to show a point and hopefully I will not offend anyone.) I worked in an environment where I would, on occasion, be yelled at (yes yelled at) because I couldn't get them in for their scheduled brow wax due to their tardiness of their appointment time and the service provider was completely booked back-to-back with many other guests to serve. I know the guest wasn't mad at me when they were yelling; maybe there were other things going on in their life or they had a bad day. I certainly wasn't going to judge them but instead do the best that I could to ensure their satisfaction in the moment. I always had this weird out-of-body experience during those moments though because I thought, "Is this really what you are upset about right now? Really? This? This "luxury" service that you can't get done today [but probably tomorrow instead] you're upset with? ...Like, you do realize that $25 could help feed a small population of people right?!..." Now, who am I to even think that or judge? This person could be an extreme donor of the community who supports many efforts with their time and money but it seems a bit oxymoronic, don't you think?! Believe me, I am not perfect and have gotten upset about things as well, I am human after all, but I do my best and seek to understand first and certainly wouldn't yell while doing it (unless you're my husband...sometimes there may or may not be a louder volume from my voice...sorry honey!).
I have always been a "people-watcher" and find it funny that none of us want to talk to each other. I mean, whether we're standing in a line waiting for our coffee or passing each other on the street. No one wants to lift their head from their device to have a conversation, a real conversation with a human instead of a computer; yet we all want to "connect" in the virtual world. It's absolutely hilarious to me. This goes for the homeless person sitting on a bench in the park too. Why don't we say "hi" or give them a smile? We pass them as if they aren't human or part of society; they don't deserve our respect and why? We are all flesh and blood living in this wild world. Some of us driving BMWs and carrying the latest iPhone, others driving a suitcase and carrying the latest obtained item to keep warm. Regardless of our status, we have all gotten to this amazing life and why not help each other out or at the very least, communicate with each other? It's amazing what you'd find out. I often ask myself how it was possible that I ended up with this life. I could've easily been born into a much different situation, but I wasn't. So what will I do with this privilege?...
For a long time, Rob and I have volunteered at various organizations. Personally, we have always found organizations that we believe in or missions that we align with. To be honest, there are quite a few organizations and missions that we are passionate about but we try to narrow our focus to maximize our efforts. A big focus for us has been homeless hospitality and assistance. In Milwaukee, we worked with Repairers of the Breach, Riverwest Food Pantry and Guest House to name a few. When we moved to Seattle we dove right into volunteering and found a great group of people to help provide and handout food to the homeless every Sunday. Seattle's community efforts for the homeless population have grown wildly over the last 10+ years. There are people and organizations that help provide food for lunch and dinner, seven days a week--seven(!) The Seattle council has taken extraordinary measures to improve the respect for homeless and/or backpackers and ensure their well-being; even passing a measure prohibiting harassment or hate crimes. They formed a 10-year plan to end homelessness and put forth $46 million each year to help make that happen. They have created what's called "Tent City"; it is a place that provides temporary housing for homeless or hikers by using temporary structures (tents). Seattle has also generated Operation Sack Lunch, a homeless feeding program which Rob and I now volunteer with.
When talking with people about our volunteer work, I have noticed that there is quite a stereotype surrounding the homeless population and I continuously strive to prove that society shouldn't read a book by its cover. Perhaps we have read something or were told by someone that homeless people are dangerous and dirty or bad people with poor intentions. Perhaps we were told that they are just "sucking from the teet" or living off the life of hard-working people. Well, speaking first-hand from meeting and befriending quite a number of homeless people, I'll tell you that it's just not true. Sure, yes, sometimes they don't have the freshest body odor or may be dirty, but that's understandable...have you ever backpacked or hiked for a week straight without a hot shower?! Yep, you smell. You don't have the resources to ensure that you'll smell good after hoofing your 80lb backpack around every day, do you? I think that's completely understandable, no?! As for dangerous...isn't anyone technically dangerous? We've read or heard in the news plenty of times where the story starts..."He was a blue collar business man and wonderful family man with 3 kids and a wife. We never would've predicted that he would've done something like this..." Dateline anyone?! Again, reading the book by the cover.
Most often, in my experience, homeless people are the most grateful people I have ever met. They force me to step back and take record of my life. If they can live and survive with little to no resources; why am I living with so many? I've learned through training that most homeless people are not looking for money, they're looking for respect and support to get on their feet again. The biggest stereotype, in my opinion, is that they are looking for pity or sympathy and are unwilling to do anything to move themselves forward in this world [or community]. That is simply not the case and if it were, why are we not setting the example, and instead, complaining that this is who they supposedly are? While there are those few that have gotten stung by the substance abuse bug, there are a lot who are part of a terrible cyclical pattern in their relation; that they unfortunately can't escape from. For others, it's honestly just where they'd like to be (live) and they demand nothing but are grateful for anything. One young man that I met, lost his job and most of the family around him due to illness and estrange. He now has very little money and few people to rely on for support. Until he finds another job, this is his home. I can completely relate to that as I currently don't have a job and it's proving to take longer than expected to retrieve another. I am blessed that I not only have Rob to help me until I find another job, but I have an amazing support group a.k.a. my immediate family. (Shout out--I am beyond grateful every single day!!) If, however, I did not have that support group either because of illness in a family member [that couldn't help me] or death of family members, I would be in the same place.
We've all seen the people who stand on the corner at a stoplight with a sign asking for something, perhaps it's money or food and perhaps that's just what they want. Aren't we all allowed to want something? Most of the time, I feel they are the most honest and even include what your money (if they receive it) will pay for; i.e.: booze, drugs, etc. I also feel that they are probably at a different stage in their homelessness and other things are more important to them and who are we to judge? They are not forcing you to give them money or food but they are also not asking for judgement or abuse of any kind. They are people just like you and I; a person who deserves just as much respect as the next one. We don't know anyone's story until we ask or communicate. What happened to pure care of another human being? Yes, someone who is just trying to survive in this world like you and me... I used to work in an environment that was a luxury service provider. (I am sharing this next story with you to show a point and hopefully I will not offend anyone.) I worked in an environment where I would, on occasion, be yelled at (yes yelled at) because I couldn't get them in for their scheduled brow wax due to their tardiness of their appointment time and the service provider was completely booked back-to-back with many other guests to serve. I know the guest wasn't mad at me when they were yelling; maybe there were other things going on in their life or they had a bad day. I certainly wasn't going to judge them but instead do the best that I could to ensure their satisfaction in the moment. I always had this weird out-of-body experience during those moments though because I thought, "Is this really what you are upset about right now? Really? This? This "luxury" service that you can't get done today [but probably tomorrow instead] you're upset with? ...Like, you do realize that $25 could help feed a small population of people right?!..." Now, who am I to even think that or judge? This person could be an extreme donor of the community who supports many efforts with their time and money but it seems a bit oxymoronic, don't you think?! Believe me, I am not perfect and have gotten upset about things as well, I am human after all, but I do my best and seek to understand first and certainly wouldn't yell while doing it (unless you're my husband...sometimes there may or may not be a louder volume from my voice...sorry honey!).
I have always been a "people-watcher" and find it funny that none of us want to talk to each other. I mean, whether we're standing in a line waiting for our coffee or passing each other on the street. No one wants to lift their head from their device to have a conversation, a real conversation with a human instead of a computer; yet we all want to "connect" in the virtual world. It's absolutely hilarious to me. This goes for the homeless person sitting on a bench in the park too. Why don't we say "hi" or give them a smile? We pass them as if they aren't human or part of society; they don't deserve our respect and why? We are all flesh and blood living in this wild world. Some of us driving BMWs and carrying the latest iPhone, others driving a suitcase and carrying the latest obtained item to keep warm. Regardless of our status, we have all gotten to this amazing life and why not help each other out or at the very least, communicate with each other? It's amazing what you'd find out. I often ask myself how it was possible that I ended up with this life. I could've easily been born into a much different situation, but I wasn't. So what will I do with this privilege?...
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
I am not a writer, but I am a reader!
I love reading. I love to physically hold a book and smell the spine. I love to turn each page and see my bookmark to know either how much I've read, or how much I have yet to go. It's comfort and coziness.
I was never a good reader when I was younger. I never got the scholastic awards and always grabbed for Cliff's Notes whenever viable. In fact, in middle school, we'd have book tests (usually on a computer in the library)...I can't remember the name for these tests--St. John's folks: do any of you remember?! It's driving me nuts! Anyway, we'd have these tests and I'd either quickly read the chapter names and skim a few pages before the test to hopefully grab enough key words from the book to pass, or I would put the book on my lap during the test and try to discretely page through to answer each question as it came up on the screen. Neither trick worked; I always failed...and I should've, I didn't deserve a passing grade. I honestly think that at that time I didn't like to read because I was being forced to read. I mean sure, sure there was my love of the Boxcar Children and Beverly Cleary's Ramona, but I couldn't always read those. We had to choose [sometimes] from some fixed genres or a specific list of books and it just wasn't always appealing to me. When I got to High School, I was certainly never put into the English classes where students read To Kill a Mockingbird or Catch 22...(full disclosure, I still haven't read them). I felt a little "fomo*" and also slightly relieved because at the time, those books didn't sound appealing to me either. After the 'you-have-to-do-this-to-graduate' part of my life, I began to do my research on books. I started checking out People's Picks and the New York Times Bestseller list in search of the "right" books. I started (and I hate that the following word is part of my vocabulary but alas...) 'googling' genres to understand what I truly enjoyed; or at least where I wanted to start. (Side bar: Did you know that every book is either Fiction or Non-fiction? I mean, I get it, but then why all the 'hoopla' on literary sub-genres [in the library] including Mystery and Romance and Fantasy?! Like, if it isn't hard enough to find a book that I actually want to read, I now need to search through all the little numbers and titles in a sub-section...Can't we just keep it easy? Left side of the library is Fiction, Right side is Non-fiction; have at it!) Anywhoodle, it was a fun journey and soon enough I was off and reading some really wonderful books. I have to appreciate this process; though long and [sometimes] exhausting. It has been a great learning experience; reading more has sharpened my vocabulary skills and helped me understand what I like (what I want to believe) and where I want to travel for the week (figuratively speaking). It's always a nice escape from reality to sit down with a good book and get lost for a few hours. Have you ever procrastinated reading/finishing a book because it was so good you didn't want it to end? I have done that with many; most recently The Girl on the Train. It.was.so.good. Then, when I was done, I re-read the last few pages because I just couldn't accept that it was over. Through my book-journey, I now have a divergent respect for authors and certainly librarians-phew!
Even though I will always like the weight of a book in my hands...I have to say, I love me a Kindle...One of the best parts (in my opinion) about having technology in my hand instead of a paper book is that you can literally get the definition of a word or any information in a snap! When I'm reading paper books, I usually keep my phone right next to me (poor habit) just in case I am unsure of a phrase or am unfamiliar with the meaning of a word and boom! I can-- God help us-- google it. Technology is pretty cool though. It's truly amazing what we can do with a device as big as our hand and it's absolutely stupefying to think about where it will go in the future...
Well, happy reading to you all--hope you're enjoying your latest reads! I'd love to hear your journey to Reading Reading Land. What's in my hands you ask?: All the Light We Cannot See (can't wait to finish...in a good way) :)
*fomo: fear of missing out.
I was never a good reader when I was younger. I never got the scholastic awards and always grabbed for Cliff's Notes whenever viable. In fact, in middle school, we'd have book tests (usually on a computer in the library)...I can't remember the name for these tests--St. John's folks: do any of you remember?! It's driving me nuts! Anyway, we'd have these tests and I'd either quickly read the chapter names and skim a few pages before the test to hopefully grab enough key words from the book to pass, or I would put the book on my lap during the test and try to discretely page through to answer each question as it came up on the screen. Neither trick worked; I always failed...and I should've, I didn't deserve a passing grade. I honestly think that at that time I didn't like to read because I was being forced to read. I mean sure, sure there was my love of the Boxcar Children and Beverly Cleary's Ramona, but I couldn't always read those. We had to choose [sometimes] from some fixed genres or a specific list of books and it just wasn't always appealing to me. When I got to High School, I was certainly never put into the English classes where students read To Kill a Mockingbird or Catch 22...(full disclosure, I still haven't read them). I felt a little "fomo*" and also slightly relieved because at the time, those books didn't sound appealing to me either. After the 'you-have-to-do-this-to-graduate' part of my life, I began to do my research on books. I started checking out People's Picks and the New York Times Bestseller list in search of the "right" books. I started (and I hate that the following word is part of my vocabulary but alas...) 'googling' genres to understand what I truly enjoyed; or at least where I wanted to start. (Side bar: Did you know that every book is either Fiction or Non-fiction? I mean, I get it, but then why all the 'hoopla' on literary sub-genres [in the library] including Mystery and Romance and Fantasy?! Like, if it isn't hard enough to find a book that I actually want to read, I now need to search through all the little numbers and titles in a sub-section...Can't we just keep it easy? Left side of the library is Fiction, Right side is Non-fiction; have at it!) Anywhoodle, it was a fun journey and soon enough I was off and reading some really wonderful books. I have to appreciate this process; though long and [sometimes] exhausting. It has been a great learning experience; reading more has sharpened my vocabulary skills and helped me understand what I like (what I want to believe) and where I want to travel for the week (figuratively speaking). It's always a nice escape from reality to sit down with a good book and get lost for a few hours. Have you ever procrastinated reading/finishing a book because it was so good you didn't want it to end? I have done that with many; most recently The Girl on the Train. It.was.so.good. Then, when I was done, I re-read the last few pages because I just couldn't accept that it was over. Through my book-journey, I now have a divergent respect for authors and certainly librarians-phew!
Even though I will always like the weight of a book in my hands...I have to say, I love me a Kindle...One of the best parts (in my opinion) about having technology in my hand instead of a paper book is that you can literally get the definition of a word or any information in a snap! When I'm reading paper books, I usually keep my phone right next to me (poor habit) just in case I am unsure of a phrase or am unfamiliar with the meaning of a word and boom! I can-- God help us-- google it. Technology is pretty cool though. It's truly amazing what we can do with a device as big as our hand and it's absolutely stupefying to think about where it will go in the future...
Well, happy reading to you all--hope you're enjoying your latest reads! I'd love to hear your journey to Reading Reading Land. What's in my hands you ask?: All the Light We Cannot See (can't wait to finish...in a good way) :)
*fomo: fear of missing out.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
It's okay...
I've struggled with Facebook for a long time...I've struggled with Facebook because [in my opinion] I feel that it's just another superficial outlet for people. I had a relationship with Facebook for 10 years--10 YEARS! before my disappearing act from '15 to '16. How many things in life have you been in a relationship with for 10 years? I haven't even kept a job that long! (by choice) I mean, c'mon, we're all sharing our most fabulous moments in life; who can go on the best vacation or have the best Christmas picture. It's just not real to me. Most people are not going to share their ('scues my french) shitty days when they're fighting with their spouse or crying on the bathroom floor because they can't seem to lose those 10 extra pounds. It's all the best, all the time. AND SOME even posting only the BEST photos of themselves and deleting the others that look less flattering...you know who you are...I used to be one of them. Now don't get me wrong, I have seen some pretty emotional, honest posts that have been very real, raw situations. Either way, whatever kind of social media (or "soshmeed", as I like to call it) person you are, aren't we all looking for some validation at the end of the day? Hell, I'm even looking for it in this blog...amiright?! Sympathize with me through this tough day...Celebrate with my kid who turned one and you've never met...Agree with me on my political views...the list is endless. Again, I literally just shared pictures from my vacation yesterday--haha and yes, it was a lot of fun and yes, I live a fortunate life that I truly thank God for each day but I just hate falling into the trap of playing this role that isn't totally me. That's clearly why I started this blog. haha. Anyway, I had a few "ah-hah" moments recently that have made me realize that it might be okay to 'let go' and have fun with soshmeed instead of analyze it all the time.
I read a book recently that completely resonated with me in so many ways. Very few of you know that I struggle to 'be me'. I know that probably sounds funny, but I do...everyday. I struggle with how I look, how I talk, what I eat, what I want to do with my life, do people like me, what do people ultimately think of me...and on and on. It's this vicious cycle in my head every. single. day. I had a panic attack the other day because I'm 2 years from turning 35 and I freaked out just thinking about that number! When I was 25, I thought 35 was so old and now I'm freaking there!! WTH?! How did that happen? I started worrying even more because I haven't done everything that I want to do yet; I have big dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I haven't quite gotten to them yet. [Complete side note: If you have "wild" dreams...please don't think they are unattainable. I write mine down every year and 1 by 1, I check them off...you seriously can do anything! Don't let money or time be the judge. I used to think that I couldn't do certain things because I didn't have the money. When I actually sat down at the end of the day, I really didn't need the money to get what I wanted or where I wanted to be. #digression] Back to freaking out...I started to really panic when I was thinking of all of these things and on top of that, being a woman at almost 35, society, myself and -possibly some peers- start to put added pressure of having children on that plate too. It's so overwhelming! Rob and I have always put our careers and our needs/wants first. There are lots of things that we want to achieve in our careers and with each other, and we don't want to give up our selfishness yet and I don't feel that we need to justify that. Children are a 24/7 commitment (there are no sick days or vacations) and over the last 2 years Rob and I have really worked hard on our relationship. It changes and grows and when that initially started happening; we weren't 100% ready for it to change. There were, and still are, lots of things that we are learning through the evolution of our relationship but we're both willing to fight and so that gives us the hope that we need to continue moving forward. Relationships, and marriage especially, are so complex. When I read this book--that shall remain nameless for now--it calmed these anxious feelings of mine and really forced me to reflect on my life. I LOVE books or movies that do that to me. They ground me and bring me back to an "it's okay" spot. I can ask myself questions that I don't normally ask everyday. i.e.: Am I filling my body with good food? Am I the healthiest I can be? Am I exercising enough? Where is my faith at? Do I feel fulfilled in my career? Am I the person I want people to remember?... For the first time in a really, really long time, I feel good about me. I feel in control. I hate feeling out of control (which is another struggle--just ask my husband. hehe)...being out of control is so uncomfortable even though I know that life in general is out of my control. Through reflecting, I have started to understand who I am and who I want to continue to be. I don't want to always fall in the trend, I want to define Claire and create my own trend; hence the 'letting go'. Whether my Facebook posts are of good things all the time or a couple of photos without makeup and baring my wrinkles; I know that it's all going to be okay...
I read a book recently that completely resonated with me in so many ways. Very few of you know that I struggle to 'be me'. I know that probably sounds funny, but I do...everyday. I struggle with how I look, how I talk, what I eat, what I want to do with my life, do people like me, what do people ultimately think of me...and on and on. It's this vicious cycle in my head every. single. day. I had a panic attack the other day because I'm 2 years from turning 35 and I freaked out just thinking about that number! When I was 25, I thought 35 was so old and now I'm freaking there!! WTH?! How did that happen? I started worrying even more because I haven't done everything that I want to do yet; I have big dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I haven't quite gotten to them yet. [Complete side note: If you have "wild" dreams...please don't think they are unattainable. I write mine down every year and 1 by 1, I check them off...you seriously can do anything! Don't let money or time be the judge. I used to think that I couldn't do certain things because I didn't have the money. When I actually sat down at the end of the day, I really didn't need the money to get what I wanted or where I wanted to be. #digression] Back to freaking out...I started to really panic when I was thinking of all of these things and on top of that, being a woman at almost 35, society, myself and -possibly some peers- start to put added pressure of having children on that plate too. It's so overwhelming! Rob and I have always put our careers and our needs/wants first. There are lots of things that we want to achieve in our careers and with each other, and we don't want to give up our selfishness yet and I don't feel that we need to justify that. Children are a 24/7 commitment (there are no sick days or vacations) and over the last 2 years Rob and I have really worked hard on our relationship. It changes and grows and when that initially started happening; we weren't 100% ready for it to change. There were, and still are, lots of things that we are learning through the evolution of our relationship but we're both willing to fight and so that gives us the hope that we need to continue moving forward. Relationships, and marriage especially, are so complex. When I read this book--that shall remain nameless for now--it calmed these anxious feelings of mine and really forced me to reflect on my life. I LOVE books or movies that do that to me. They ground me and bring me back to an "it's okay" spot. I can ask myself questions that I don't normally ask everyday. i.e.: Am I filling my body with good food? Am I the healthiest I can be? Am I exercising enough? Where is my faith at? Do I feel fulfilled in my career? Am I the person I want people to remember?... For the first time in a really, really long time, I feel good about me. I feel in control. I hate feeling out of control (which is another struggle--just ask my husband. hehe)...being out of control is so uncomfortable even though I know that life in general is out of my control. Through reflecting, I have started to understand who I am and who I want to continue to be. I don't want to always fall in the trend, I want to define Claire and create my own trend; hence the 'letting go'. Whether my Facebook posts are of good things all the time or a couple of photos without makeup and baring my wrinkles; I know that it's all going to be okay...
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