It's okay...

I've struggled with Facebook for a long time...I've struggled with Facebook because [in my opinion] I feel that it's just another superficial outlet for people.  I had a relationship with Facebook for 10 years--10 YEARS! before my disappearing act from '15 to '16.  How many things in life have you been in a relationship with for 10 years?  I haven't even kept a job that long! (by choice) I mean, c'mon, we're all sharing our most fabulous moments in life; who can go on the best vacation or have the best Christmas picture.  It's just not real to me.  Most people are not going to share their ('scues my french) shitty days when they're fighting with their spouse or crying on the bathroom floor because they can't seem to lose those 10 extra pounds.  It's all the best, all the time.  AND SOME even posting only the BEST photos of themselves and deleting the others that look less flattering...you know who you are...I used to be one of them.  Now don't get me wrong, I have seen some pretty emotional, honest posts that have been very real, raw situations.  Either way, whatever kind of social media (or "soshmeed", as I like to call it) person you are, aren't we all looking for some validation at the end of the day?  Hell, I'm even looking for it in this blog...amiright?!  Sympathize with me through this tough day...Celebrate with my kid who turned one and you've never met...Agree with me on my political views...the list is endless.  Again, I literally just shared pictures from my vacation yesterday--haha and yes, it was a lot of fun and yes, I live a fortunate life that I truly thank God for each day but I just hate falling into the trap of playing this role that isn't totally me.  That's clearly why I started this blog. haha.  Anyway, I had a few "ah-hah" moments recently that have made me realize that it might be okay to 'let go' and have fun with soshmeed instead of analyze it all the time.

I read a book recently that completely resonated with me in so many ways.  Very few of you know that I struggle to 'be me'.  I know that probably sounds funny, but I do...everyday.  I struggle with how I look, how I talk, what I eat, what I want to do with my life, do people like me, what do people ultimately think of me...and on and on.  It's this vicious cycle in my head every. single. day.  I had a panic attack the other day because I'm 2 years from turning 35 and I freaked out just thinking about that number!  When I was 25, I thought 35 was so old and now I'm freaking there!!  WTH?!  How did that happen?  I started worrying even more because I haven't done everything that I want to do yet; I have big dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I haven't quite gotten to them yet.  [Complete side note: If you have "wild" dreams...please don't think they are unattainable.  I write mine down every year and 1 by 1, I check them off...you seriously can do anything!  Don't let money or time be the judge.  I used to think that I couldn't do certain things because I didn't have the money.  When I actually sat down at the end of the day, I really didn't need the money to get what I wanted or where I wanted to be. #digression]  Back to freaking out...I started to really panic when I was thinking of all of these things and on top of that, being a woman at almost 35, society, myself and -possibly some peers- start to put added pressure of having children on that plate too.  It's so overwhelming!  Rob and I have always put our careers and our needs/wants first.  There are lots of things that we want to achieve in our careers and with each other, and we don't want to give up our selfishness yet and I don't feel that we need to justify that.  Children are a 24/7 commitment (there are no sick days or vacations) and over the last 2 years Rob and I have really worked hard on our relationship. It changes and grows and when that initially started happening; we weren't 100% ready for it to change.  There were, and still are, lots of things that we are learning through the evolution of our relationship but we're both willing to fight and so that gives us the hope that we need to continue moving forward. Relationships, and marriage especially, are so complex.  When I read this book--that shall remain nameless for now--it calmed these anxious feelings of mine and really forced me to reflect on my life.  I LOVE books or movies that do that to me.  They ground me and bring me back to an "it's okay" spot.  I can ask myself questions that I don't normally ask everyday. i.e.: Am I filling my body with good food?  Am I the healthiest I can be?  Am I exercising enough?  Where is my faith at?  Do I feel fulfilled in my career?  Am I the person I want people to remember?...  For the first time in a really, really long time, I feel good about me.  I feel in control.  I hate feeling out of control (which is another struggle--just ask my husband. hehe)...being out of control is so uncomfortable even though I know that life in general is out of my control.  Through reflecting, I have started to understand who I am and who I want to continue to be.  I don't want to always fall in the trend, I want to define Claire and create my own trend; hence the 'letting go'. Whether my Facebook posts are of good things all the time or a couple of photos without makeup and baring my wrinkles; I know that it's all going to be okay...